..We spend many years trying to figure out how we can do this or that, raising children, other relationships and making the most of life.There are no hand books on what to do with your self, you learn as you go and some of us listen to our parents, hoping to figure it all out. Looking back can help some of us, as long as we don’t dwell on the bad stuff. Once we get a handle on how this thing called life , it seems that our body has taken a down ward jump and the mind or lord don’t forget the mind, it has taken a break from the memory bank. Now that I am 65, I really find myself enjoying my home, my dogs, my children’s children, my great grands..as long as they don’t stay too long. I am wondering on Lord what were you thinking?! My flesh is willing, but my body fights me every step of the way. I can see all the projects that I want to do and need to do, but oldness has started taking over, I just am not able to carry on like I did in my 20″s this just doesn’t make sence , can we not start life backwards, this would help…
Today has not left me insane yet.I am not far from being insane on any given day. The last few days have been good, really good. I have been able to see an hug my precious great grand baby, Colette, she is and has been since her birth a pleasant and most pleasing little darling to me. We have been through a bad patch, (her and I )not from our choosing but her mamma.I had finally given up and was praying in a new direction, the right direction it seems.
65, I am
Hot, it is!!
Rainy, it has!
Humid, again today
I have been so wrong, I thought for most of my adult life that because I stayed in a bad marriage,for 25 years and was the best wife I knew how to be,becoming the slut or the sinner to maybe capture back my love’s heart.. anything I could find to read on what to do or try, then, oh ya know the saint, Saint Karla…haha…that I would have special blessing and favors in life from others,God in particular …today I am 65, divorced, living alone, struggling, really not happy, complaining alot, whinning, thinking.. thinking… analyzing every wrong thing I can not deal with every change that I don’t want to change, wondering have I become the narcissist, that I have warned others about, so I look it up and again to get clarifaction.
“Narcissistic Personality – personality marked by self-love and self-absorption; unrealistic views about your own qualities and little regard for others.”
I have to admit, some of the attributes, of this personality, I do have, BUT I also care very much what others think and, and my regard for for others is what gets me into so much trouble..so this cazy world in my head, is just that; crazy.!….I will go on..writting for a little while for my crazy mind, maybe through this it can be figured all out.
Life hasn’t been all bad, even though the crap, the deep crap, the walk wasn’t alone, I have some wonderful friends and they are closer than family….of course my family has long gone on to the other side….which I mean, my sister, my brother, mother and daddy.
I have sons, grandsons,granddaughter, and I have greatgrands, girls and boys.This is another whole world, when I think of them and what is happening with all of these blood relations of mine….questions do arise. I never wanted girls, but now I can see where girls really could have been beneficial and enjoyable in ones older age.
Most of the time the feeling of being an “after-thought, in the way” raises it’s ugly head, but since feelings are just feelings, its ok. I do wonder how many other people in the older range get these same thoughts and feelings, of being in the way, on the back burner? If anyone takes the time to read all of my thinkings and crazy mind stuff and would like to say a thing or two…please do..
Thank You, to me for letting myself share!!
I honestly, can not get this movie off my mind, now I am reading the book. If you haven’t taken the time or didn’t know anything about it, like me, I accidentally found while looking for a suspense, crime, edge of you seat type of movie.
In Her Skin (also known as I Am You from the working title How to Change in 9 Weeks) is a 2009 Australian drama movie written and directed by Simone North the film is based on the true story of a brutal murder of beautiful 15 year old Rachel Barber, she went missing on March1.1999.It was later discovered that Rachel was murdered by her former neighbor and babysitter, Caroline Reed Robertson. I am not going to disclose any more then this, You go find it, an watch it. You may cry, so get your tissues ready..
OMG, sometimes I start out my day just in a funk. no doubt.. Life continues to throw me a cure ball..an I swing my bat, missed and try again.
Today while sitting here at my laptop, in my little computer/junk/tool room, I know, that I know, I have been in a place know by many people, you can call it whatever you want. When trouble begins, it comes in 3’s, it has for me any way.Love has been lost, some other love has been found,tragedy came an stayed for a visit, but then Glorious Miracle was the one who has stayed around to comfort us all. My love Colette Rader my greatgrandbaby girl, was taken from me by her mother with false accusations to be the the reasoning!! My grandson Chase Rader was almost murdered, but for the grace of our loving God, He saved him, brought him back from the Valley of Death.
My family has been through the binding, wrenching emotional fear , that we would loose our boy, Chase because of an individual who wanted to scare Chase with his shotgun, and in that(Aug.8th, 11:30ish pm) moment; time surly stopped! Then onward, in a heated confrontation finger on the trigger, right straight into the stomach……………..
Goodness, it has been so long since I have blogged anything. Just wanting to touch base with my followers.I wonder how everyone is doing, any great news, or new births, deaths..marriages? I have been taking care of the sweetest great-grand baby girl, Ms. Colette, she is not quite 8 months old. Safely I can tell my secret she is adored by me. Can’t wait to see how God will use her in this life, because the old lady has been praying and seeking wonderful things for her, and I just know it will happen.